Nora sat on the couch, stunned and heart-broken, tears streaming down her face, as her best friend, Lana, sat across from her and, with deep love and care, inquired, “If you could have anything, what would you want?”
Nora replied through her sobs, “I would want him to still love me and to give our marriage another chance".
That was six years ago, when Nora discovered that her husband, Rob, had been unfaithful.
Today, Nora told me how blessed she feels that she got what she wanted.
A day after Nora’s conversation with Lana, she confronted her husband, upon his return from a trip.
Rob was sincerely remorseful.
Nora decided to stay with her husband and says that she has no regrets.
Though the wound from being cheated on may linger on, like any injury, time does make it a little less raw.
Recently my client, Gabby, who is in the early stages of recovering from infidelity asked me, “Does the pain and lack of safety ever go away?”
Though it’s different for everyone, more often than not, the answer is,
“No, not entirely,”
but the good news is that, in most cases, as time goes on, the excruciating hurt no longer dominates.
What can make recovery possible is a combination of your own determination to heal your marriage and your partner’s desire to do the same.
Here are 7 ways that you can make your marriage great even after cheating.
1
Focus on What You Love About Each Other...
Years ago, my friend Nancy had given me a glass jar that was labeled, “Gratitude.” “When Tom and I were having trouble, we used this gratitude jar daily,”
She told me.
I looked at her quizzically.
She went on to explain, “Each day we wrote down 5 things that we love about each other and at the end of the day we sat together and shared those qualities that we love and appreciate most.”
She added, “We’ve never been happier and now we don’t need the jar anymore. You take it.” I loved the practice and passed the jar along to Nora.
Nora later told me: “As I sat across from my husband and we communicated our love for each other, in the days and weeks that followed, it was like a salve being poured on my broken heart, setting the stage for deep healing.”
2
Listen to Your Partner
Every situation is unique and there could be multiple causes of infidelity.
After deep soul-searching and listening, Nora saw the near demise of her own marriage as a sign that she had not been emotionally available to her spouse.
I am not advocating self-blame.
Of course, what her husband chose to do was not her fault and was a very poor decision.
Knowing that she could only control how she handled her side of the equation...
She saw the near breaking of their marriage as an opportunity to focus on what her husband felt was lacking in their relationship that caused him to seek refuge with someone else.
As she learned to put aside her own views and truly listen to him, from her heart.
Nora’s world expanded and she felt a deeper confidence and love than she had felt in a long time.
3
Have Fun Together
My client, Leigh, found herself drifting further and further from her life partner.
Raising two sons, running a successful graphic design business, going back to school, cultivating new and old relationships, taking care of her home and all the obligations that came with all of that had caused Leigh to forget to do one important thing:
Have fun!
When she had the courage to look at herself, she could clearly see that she wasn’t nearly as much fun as she had been years before.
Leigh realized that it was time for her to stop justifying her current state by looking at all her responsibilities and instead open the door of her heart and welcome more playfulness and joy in her marriage.
4
Take Responsibility for Your Own Healing
It’s only natural to want the person who it seems evident “caused” your emotional pain to be the one to help you heal it.
Ultimately, though, each of us must realize that healing ourselves is our own responsibility.
With that discovery often comes the call to do something that isn’t always easy: co-existing with two realities.
The nightmare of what actually happened to you may still be present.
At the same time, the only way to change the future is, in the moment, to respond in a new way.
Nora realized that if she wanted happiness, her best course of action was to say “yes” to the new love and affection Rob was giving her, without constantly bringing up the issue of, “How and why did he do the things he did.”
This was the only way that she could nudge their marriage in a positive direction.
I’m not saying she couldn’t talk about it at all.
It’s just that after a certain amount of dialogue, it became evident that if she continued to broach the topic of infidelity with her partner, it was likely that her marriage would turn sour.
If she wanted to stay married—and she did—she realized that she had to learn to contain her emotions.
Self-hypnosis helped her incredibly to create this inner transformation.
The gift to Nora has been tremendous growth and much more happiness.
5
Be Your Best Self in your marriage
It can be very humbling to realize that we don’t always know what the ultimate outcome will be and that the only thing we can control is ourself.
The good news is that any life trauma including being betrayed can be used as a catalyst to set out on a quest to make yourself better and not bitter.
Deep inside you must remember that no matter what, you are going to be fine, regardless of the outcome . . .
You must have faith that you are blessed and that you deserve love, respect and happiness.
The key to achieving a state of confidence in yourself is to cultivate strength.
The only way I know to do that is to increase your faith, by going deeper within yourself—to keep turning to your higher power for guidance, inner fortitude and transformation.
By increasing your own inner light and positive energy, you will naturally bring more healing to your marriage and to your life.
6
Bring Out the Best In Your Partner and Make Your Marriage Great
Nora recalled, years ago, Rob had given her a book to read, “Bring Out the Hero in Your Husband.”
She told me that she had tossed the book on a shelf, at the time, thinking that was nothing she had time to read, in her busy life.
She confessed that she came to see that not seeing the hero in her husband was devastating to his self-image.
Through the inner work that Nora was doing with the self-hypnosis and coaching.
She realized that when she didn’t honor Rob’s essence and all that he brought to her life, even in the privacy of her thoughts, it was very hurtful to him.
As Nora truly began to appreciate and acknowledge all of his many strengths, not only to him directly, but also when speaking to others, she began to feel a lot better about herself and the marriage.
Nora confided with a smile: “An added bonus for me is that I get to bask in Rob’s love towards me, which suddenly has become palpable.”
The truism, “What you focus on grows,” became extremely apparent to her.
7
Create Great Marriage and a Life Together
Sam was devastated when he discovered that his wife was texting and potentially meeting up with old boyfriends, behind his back.
Grappling with the shock, sorrow and anger he felt, he acknowledged the incredible distance that had grown between them.
He told me, “Looking back, of course we had a life together.
We owned a house, were raising four kids and worked together on multiple businesses.
Even still, our lives were very separate.
Somewhere along the way, we had started to take separate vacations, have more individual friendships rather than double dating, and altogether have separate hobbies.”
For years, Sam would watch television by himself at night or catch up on sports with his buddies.
His wife, Janet, would read, chat with friends and spend time surfing the internet.
After Sam gave Janet an ultimatum, she sincerely apologized and told Sam that she still loved him, that she wanted to come back to the marriage and close off all the exits, including having contact with ex-lovers.
Sam was able to forgive Janet and take her back, with a new commitment to create a real life together.
I ended up working with both of them to help them restore the beautiful love they once had.
Several months later Janet actually said to me:
“Though, at the time, I thought I was happy doing the activities that were most nourishing to me on my own, as we began to focus on each other and do more things together, I began to feel so much happier.
I wasn’t giving myself up; I was surrendering into a cozy, nurturing marriage.”
For so many people I work with, deciding to stay married is a choice they never regret.
Most people who have been through betrayal would agree that they don’t wish the pain of being cheated on, on anyone.
At the same time, the truth is that living through and not only surviving, but thriving, both personally and within your marriage, can be one of the greatest life lessons and transformational experiences you may ever go through.
