Imagine what your life would be like if you could feel good in your own skin in every situation and your self-confidence at boost (without needing drugs, alcohol, or any other addictive substance).
Often when we think of confidence, we think of the things we need to do to build our confidence.
Perhaps we decide we need to master a skill, whether it be parenting, gardening, or having a worthwhile career...
Sometimes we think that we need to improve our physical appearance in order to gain confidence. We join a gym, take up yoga or tennis, lose some weight, or perhaps get a makeover or a Botox treatment.
Deepening Your Self-Confidence
Although these endeavors can be quite satisfying, enriching, admirable, and helpful to you...
The confidence gained from these outer changes will only take you to a certain level of confidence.
The type of self confidence gained from these activities may only be temporary.
Seeking relief from social anxiety is another type of confidence that you may desire. Perhaps you are experiencing levels of social anxiety that you may or may not be conscious of.
Often, it’s the seeking of this type of confidence that will drive a person to drink alcohol, smoke marijuana, or even eat certain sugar-rich foods.
The goal subconsciously is to block out the pain of life, and the craving is for freedom and a feeling of aliveness.
The problem with this method of seeking confidence is evident...
Ultimately, these behaviors in excess only increase a person’s sense of entrapment.
What is true self-confidence?
True confidence is the sense that you are worthy to be exactly where you are at this moment.
True confidence is knowing that you are exactly where you are supposed to be and that you have every right to exist!
True confidence is not feeling that you have to prove yourself, withdraw, or earn love.
In essence...
True confidence is returning to the state you were in when you came into this world—a state of love and openness—while maintaining the wisdom you have gained from the life you’ve lived.
The Confidence You Were Born With
No matter what your past is, you can start over and embrace the innate confidence that you were born with.
Did you ever see an insecure baby?
No!
A baby knows he/she is supposed to be here and doesn’t question its value.
You have value just because you are here, alive and breathing, in this moment.
That’s it.
Not because of what you say or do but because you are here – alive, breathing.
You don’t need to earn love – you ARE love!
The walls we build
If this is true, why doesn’t life feel this way?
We don’t feel the sense of freedom that we were born with because over time we have erected a wall around ourselves...
The sense of separation that we feel trapped by is to a large extent present because of this wall.
When we come into this world we are born free, knowing that we belong. We sense our innate connection with all of life.
Does a baby get embarrassed because it’s crying, laughing, spitting up, peeing, or expressing deep joy and love?
A baby doesn’t question its right to exist—there is no sense of embarrassment or shame for being and expressing itself.
What is the wall we erect?
Unfortunately, we soon begin to feel pain...
Here’s how the wall goes up...
Mommy doesn’t come to feed us right away, so we put up a brick—trying to block out the unpleasant feelings of frustration and hunger.
Then, a little later we get teased on the school bus.
We put another brick on our wall.
Your best friend in kindergarten betrays you.
Another brick goes into the wall.
Your older brother or sister hurts you. One or two bricks go up.
Dad and Mom don’t come to your rescue. More bricks go up.
The effect of re-creating the scenarios
Then we start thinking about the hurtful things that have happened to us.
This then turbocharges our wall-building skills.
We begin to ruminate about how unfairly we have been treated and how our parents/teachers/siblings/friends aren’t meeting our needs.
Worse, we re-play mental movies about the injustices we’ve incurred due to the insensitivity of the people closest to us.
Each time these scenes are re-played on our mental movie screen, the bricks begin going up higher and thicker. Soon we are surrounded by bricks of pain, shame, hurt, and guilt. Of course, we feel bad!
So we look for a solution to end our pain.
The perceived “solution” could be anything that gives you a sense of momentary relief.
We may turn to food, alcohol, drugs, being overly social and busy (or withdrawing), or over-exercising to help distract ourselves and increase a false sense of confidence.
Some of my clients tell me they feel extreme relief after purging, bingeing, shopping, smoking cigarettes or pot, overworking, controlling others, accomplishing tasks, or excessive television and internet use.
Seeking Freedom from our limitations
We may not consciously think that we are seeking confidence when we engage in self-defeating or excessive behaviors...
But if we look closely at our own motivation, often we discover that we are ultimately craving freedom, specifically freedom from feeling trapped by our limitations.
As an added predicament, we don’t want other people to become aware of our shortcomings for fear that the love we do have could be withdrawn.
So,
On top of wanting to have confidence so we can feel good in our own skin, we desperately seek to become confident as a way of being more appealing to others.
We intrinsically feel that our weaknesses would repel and so we must keep them hidden at all costs.
The result is anxiety and a desperate need to relentlessly pursue false confidence.
how easy is it to build a confident persona?
it isn’t that difficult to create a confident persona...
Most intelligent people can design their lives to give themselves some level of confidence.
Generally, that confidence is attained by the outer fixings we are able to acquire and demonstrate.
Creating an attractive appearance and a fit body, excelling in a respectable career, marrying a good-looking and successful spouse, showing off, and taking pride in our smart and creative children, are all ways that we can give our confidence level a boost.
We build our confidence also by giving service to others or charity and being acknowledged for it.
It’s wonderful to build our confidence by improving the outer conditions of our lives and expressing our talents.
However,
Finding true confidence that is your birthright does not need to be earned.
A tree is not only valuable in its fruit-bearing season. Even in the winter when its branches are bare, a tree maintains its intrinsic value.
It doesn’t have to apologize for taking up space or for going through a season with no fruit or leaves.
In the same way, even if you were stripped of all the outer fixings of your life including your material possessions, productivity, the knowledge you have acquired, and the relationships you have developed and nurtured, your essential confidence must remain.
True confidence is knowing that you exist for a reason—that you are an important aspect of this world at this time in history.
True confidence is the feeling that you are supposed to be exactly where you are and you are supposed to be exactly who you are.
You have the right to breathe...
So, breathe fully!
You have the right to take up space so stand tall and claim that privilege that is your birthright.
You can’t not be loved because your essence is love...
Nothing can be taken away from you that is not rightfully yours...
Whatever life has given you is meant to be yours...
You deserve to be here and to share your gifts with the world.
Think of a beautiful garden filled with flowers of every possible color, size, and shape.
Each one adds something glorious and yet each one makes space for the other to also express its unique beauty.
One flower’s exquisiteness does not take away from another’s.
In the same way, your right to exist, breathe, express yourself, and be fully alive does not impinge on your neighbor’s entitlement to do the same.
Do you have the Courage to take down the wall?
Ultimately, true confidence is achieved by tearing down the walls we have placed around ourselves.
How do you take the wall down?
Brick by brick.
With consciousness and awareness.
Once you acknowledge to yourself that you desire True confidence and that nothing outside of you can give you the safety and freedom you seek, long term, you will have the motivation to take down the wall.
Once you see that what hurts the most is not the lack of love coming to you, but the lack of love you are able to fully receive and give unconditionally, due to the wall that is supposed to be “protecting” you, your motivation to tear it down will strengthen.
Brick by brick letting it go...
With motivation, anything is possible...
Every time you notice yourself becoming defensive, angry, compulsive, or withdrawn, ask your inner subconscious mind to show you what’s underneath that feeling or urge.
It’s hard to release something without replacing it. That’s why we often seek self-sabotaging behaviors as a way to fill up our places of emotional pain. We’re looking for that replacement.
Instead, make a conscious choice to look at your wall and take it down...
Call in the higher qualities of your heart—love, compassion, and forgiveness—and allow these qualities to fill you and melt the wall.
The easiest way to do that is with an image.
Remember the subconscious mind is controlled by emotion and images...
Find a photo of yourself as a baby...
Close your eyes and bring that image deep into your heart.
Feel what it would be like to be filled with that innocence and love again...
Never mind, the hurts that caused you to put up the wall in the first place.
What if you don’t need that wall anymore?
What if you are safe and protected exactly as you are and exactly where you are at this moment?
Breathe...
Affirm, “I am alive. My life is good! This is a happy moment.”
And know that everything happened exactly as it was supposed to, to get you to this point here and now where you can give yourself permission to say, “I am confident. I exist. I embrace my aliveness!”
This will help me a lot. When I catch myself going negative into the deep past, I have only been able to say “Stop it, Stop it. And it has been hard to stop it, now I can see replacing it with “Breathe, Affirm I am alive, my life is good.” I was ready to receive this help today. Thank you.
That’s wonderful, Mary! It’s so true — when we try to push away difficult thoughts and feelings, they get even stronger! Instead, the cure is sending the hard places love and peace, so they can evolve and feel safe. Let me know how it goes!
WOW!!!!!!! Love this and EVERYTHING you write/produce! XXOO Linda
Thank you, Linda! I am so glad that you are receiving a benefit!