Most people would agree that self-love is essential for happiness. but what does that really mean?
The problem with these well-advised words is that often the receiver has no idea how to give self-love. The advice “love yourself” has become as cliché as “Just say no to drugs.”
How do you love yourself?
I have pondered this question my whole life; for myself, for my loved ones, and for my clients.
self-love: the ways we aren’t loving ourselves
What I came to realize is that it can be more beneficial to examine the ways we, unknowingly, aren’t loving ourselves, rather than “trying hard” to conjure up love for ourselves.
I came to see, over time, that one of the greatest myths about loving ourselves is the notion that indulging ourselves is a way to give love to the self.
That self-indulgence may take the form of overeating, emotional eating, or consuming the wrong foods...
It may be abusing sex, alcohol, drugs, or spending too much money...
There was a time when I thought that if I bought myself clothes or jewelry, I was giving myself love. Or, if I had that extra piece of cake, it was a gift to myself—an act of kindness.
In reality, these activities were a form of self-abuse. They certainly never led to a sense of long-term fulfillment or happiness. They always left me feeling empty and wanting more.
In fact, my clients have come to me, often in misery, because their over-indulgence led them to feelings of self-disgust, isolation, desperation, and low self-esteem.
Trying to “love themselves” unsuccessfully, resulted in being overweight, feeling out of control with a sense of self-hatred and shame that at times felt unbearable.
Of course, consciously, you just want to feel healthy, happy, and whole. So why is your result so often the opposite of that?
When I explore the inner voices that can lead us astray we often discover thoughts like,
“You only live once. Why not have that extra glass of wine tonight?”
or,
“I help people all day long. I’m such a good person. Why shouldn’t I order dessert? It’s the one thing I enjoy.”
The reality is that most often these feeble attempts to make yourself happy are at best a form of temporary distraction.
It’s even more likely that “loving yourself” in this way will ultimately lead to feeling worse than you did before...
Overindulging yourself in a weak effort to feel loved is like giving too much candy or toys to a spoiled child. It backfires.
So what’s the solution to loving yourself?
The key to loving yourself truly is to give yourself that which uplifts you, not just for the moment, but long term. What is it that you really want?
The key to answering that question is to go past the clamoring desires of your ego and personality, which are never going to be satisfied.
Instead,
The secret to your ultimate happiness is to travel to your soul.
Your ego personality is always going to want more. As soon as you give it the donut, it wants the chocolate. When you buy it the shoes, it begs for boots.
Sadly, the ego always just wants the next thing...but your soul can be satisfied.
Loving your soul and honoring your spirit is ultimately the only way to truly love yourself.
How do you honor your spirit? By listening to it.
What is your heart’s desire?
It’s amazing how the simplest things can bring you the greatest and deepest happiness.
Spending time with a child or a friend you truly love can make your heart swell with delight...
Snuggling with a dog, cat or horse that’s dear to you can fill your essence with a sense of deep peace and calm...
Hiking on a wooded trail, while taking in the magnificent colors and smells of nature, can delight your inner self...
Holding a newborn baby, or feeling the gentle breeze against your skin as you stroll along the Oceanside, can uplift you like nothing else...
Music is truly the language of the soul and a way to connect with your deeper self and others.
Closing your eyes and listening to music can elevate your being to new heights.
Ultimately, what your heart desires more than anything is to feel your connection with all of life. To give and receive love . . . to share your passion with others . . .to inspire and share your gifts...
Here's Why Self-Love Is Essential For Happiness And This Is What It Means To Love Yourself.
Loving yourself isn’t as simple as stuffing something into your mouth or pulling out your credit card. It’s holding your own heart as you challenge yourself to step into your dream.
Loving yourself is going beyond all the fears that have held you back until this point. Self-love means asking yourself, “Why not?” when it comes to going for your dream and encouraging yourself every step of the way.
That dream may be having children, opening up to a new relationship, or repairing an existing friendship or marriage...
It might be taking the first step towards creating your own business, starting a non-profit, or trying out for a Broadway show.
Loving yourself is having the courage to feel your feelings—even the ones that aren’t so pretty—without judging them.
It’s holding yourself when you are feeling sad, angry, or lonely with the utmost love and respect.
Loving yourself takes practice and a strong resolution. It’s the willingness to pick yourself up when life throws you a curveball. Even when you’re hurting—lifting yourself up as if you truly were your own best friend.
It’s reminding yourself how strong you are.
It’s looking up to the Heavens for support and knowing that you are never alone.
It’s breathing and sitting patiently instead of raiding the refrigerator.
To love yourself is to whisper into your heart, “I love you always,” as you gently coax yourself to take the next right action in the mystery of your precious life.
Five days ago I made a promise to be kind to myself for a day. I have been a seeker for much of my life, waxing and waning in my effort. Married and settled just two years ago after a great deal of soul-searching (I am 54), I recently began to feel weighted down by the many other things in my life I had still either not achieved or not managed to overcome. I felt time pressing on me. I had already committed to daily spiritual practice (non-religious) and self-development, but the more I wanted to heal and grow, the more stuck I seemed to become. The feeling of being “weighted down” had gradually become real, with my body ballooning from an athletic size 4 to bursting out of a size 16. Frustration and anger were bursting out of the seams too. Then five days ago I paid attention to an internal voice that said, just be kind to yourself. For one day. In all my life, I have not felt such a personal transformation. I am suddenly viewing everything from that perspective. More and more I find myself asking “is this being kind to me?” When I go to pick up an evening cocktail. When I get frustrated with another driver. When I feel pressured at work. And I realize I have never before given myself permission to put myself and my own real needs first. I already feel a million pounds lighter. I was searching for kindness articles when I came across yours. Your differentiation between self-indulgence and truly loving yourself is spot on for me. But I find I cannot apply the term “self-love” to myself yet. As a woman, devaluing ourselves is such a part of our culture, and perhaps one of the reasons that being kind to myself made such an impact. I feel myself a bit more self-lovable every day. My one day of kindness has become five, and I can see no end to this new gentle perspective. I hope everyone can find a similar first step to loving themselves.
Beautiful, Lellie! Thank you so much for sharing! I wish you every happiness!
Really needed to here that thank you
Hi Louise, I’m so glad to hear that you are feeling so inspired. It’s so wonderful to see how much weight you have lost in the 21 Days to Permanent Weight Loss program and now the Inner Circle.
It is such a pleasure to support you and to hear about the wonderful changes you have made in your life. You are right — the key is within and I’m grateful that my hypnosis helped you to find it! Blessings to you!
It is an awareness, a choice to discover myself, ourself. It is inspiring and it nourish my soul. The key was within me, I decided to open the door and the feeling is freedom and it was always there. I realize how I had created my own prison. Being grateful and respectful reading this article. Continuing my journey, with you all.
Present Moment, Love Louise
Hi Rena,
I really enjoyed this article. It spoke to me so clearly, thank you thank you thank you for these words. I am currently working on my own blog, as a sufferer of anxiety and depression I will definetely be writing about self-love on my blog. I would love to reference this article if that is okay with you?
Thank you again.
Emily
Of course, Emily, that would be wonderful. I’m sure your blog about anxiety and depression will be very helpful to many.
Warmly,
Rena
Actually loving yourself is easier said than done. I never think about myself and throw all my being into making others happy. It’s may turn!
This is an article I will re-read and try to put myself first.
Any other insightful articles would be welcome!!!
Things for a great article!!
I’m so glad you enjoyed the article. Yes, we definitely have to learn how to love ourselves. Sometimes we resort to pleasure seeking but often that brings us more pain than pleasure (eating too much, drinking too much, over-spending, etc). Ultimately, it’s about giving ourselves the love and compassion we crave by releasing self-judgment and criticism. Sometimes, just taking quality time for yourself is the greatest act of love you can give. Thanks so much for your contribution!